Broken

Do you the reader, ever consider the things you tell someone in any given day? Think about how you interact with anyone on and off line? Do you ever, later, come to realize, that something you might of 'said' hurt or even offended someone?  I know I am guilty of it and later, realize, that regardless if the person is online or off, they are still a person.

I am not the nicest person by any means, but I do try and put myself out there and try and be as sociable as I can be.  I find that no matter how nice you are to some people, it isn't enough. They continue trying to 'suck' your dry of compassion and courtesy.  Sorry, folks, I am quite out of those at the moment.

Let me tell you my story and then judge me if you will.

I have been married almost 19 years to a high school kid I met while I was in college. Due to his age, I soon wed another. And another. And then, years later we married.  We did the marriage kick. Had our one child. The cats and the dog. The house hold and all of that business. He wanted me to be mom at home. So, ironically, my job was being shipped to Mexico and that took care of that. He got a job with the state and we lived good--except for one thing--his health started failing and my love, if it was ever there left.

As his health failed, diabetes, cancer, chemo, hypertenison and finally kidney failure, took it toll. His whole family doing the whole "oh I am so sorry bit" and it sickens me. Not a single soul, asked about "Purrfectly American". I was just the person who married into the family, not a person, per se.

Well, as the years went on, he finally developed gangrene and lost his left leg to the knee. In the meantime, I am alone, without any family or friends. I go online and try to connect with someone that way, but I soon find, they could care less about my situation, as long as it was all centered around them. I really could care less about your situation at this current time, I want some ME time. I want someone to actually listen to me for a change. I want someone to sympathize with me.

Does any one care how I am doing? Does anyone ask about how I am handling all of this? Does any one care that I beat out ovarian cancer?  Or the fact I am sick again and the doctor thinks I might have bone or bone marrow cancer?  Or the fact, I get a bruise or a cut, I could bleed to death? No. There isn't a single person out there that gives a damn about me, but mention my husband, and they are like, poor guy, he is in such a bad way.

Folks, he put himself in that way. He lives on sugar and all of its children. Not once, in his whole life, was his diet curtailed by anyone. His mother encouraged such foods and from his pictures as a child and as he grew up, he was one fat kid and even fatter adult. You ask, has he changed his diet now--and the answer is a resounding NO!  He is currently in the hospital and he drinks his soda. Eats ice cream and other sugary foods and drinks. The hospital is even adding to his problem.  This is the same institution (medical) that thinks I should be the one taking care of his wound and his recovery.  I AM NOT A NURSE. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM NOT A MEDICAL PERSON. PERIOD.  Why do they expect me to do their job?

As the MASH song says, "suicide is painless...it brings on many changes...I can take or leave it if I please."  Do I think of killing myself? You bet your bottom dollar I do and I think of it often.  There are so many easy ways of doing it around his home. You would be amazed how easy it can be. I sincerely think the best way would be CO poisoning. There is a number of trucks and SUV's parked outside and nothing that some heat tape, water hose and card board wouldn't fix to make a death chamber. So, you think I am mental, you bet your bottom dollar. I am tired of having no friends, or should say, not allowed any in real life, as that 'interfers' with HIS time.  I am denied touch, compassion and love--who would want to live w/o all of that?  Don't find fault in  my death wish, but see it as it is meant to be seen, as a cry for compassion and mercy in such a cold and unyeilding world.

I really want to find love with someone that wants me for me. Whom don't want a nurse, a mommy figure or a caretaker. Someone who realizes my talents and abilities as a woman. I am lonely.  There isn't a feeling, as intense on this planet, as being alone.

I wear my 'mask' well. People see what they wish to see and not what is under the mask. Now, you, gentle reader, you see under the mask. What you see is one tormented soul begging for someone to take care of her and to love her. 

I am broken.